“I feared losing the love I lost anyway, and I feared oblivion, because the writers and artists I knew and admired were being ignored by the culture or were dying. I still fear those things, and I'm still here.” - Alexander Chee
Jin DM’ed me a quote by the (wonderful, passionate, and immaculate) author Alexander Chee and I immediately knew I had to read the entire article. I realized that I forgot how to read. I’ve been trained in the past two years to read analytically, that I forgot what it meant to be moved by words. Don’t get me wrong, I read an autobiography or a fiction book once in a while, but I forgot how to respond when a writer is being oblivion, open, and thoughtful in their words. I miss having this community - a sense of being able to be open with one another. I’m grateful to have my girlfriends in my life (who have been there for me through vomits, tattoos, tears, doing stupid fucking shit, passing out, making out, etc.), but now we are thousands of miles apart from one another. Our GroupMe chat has been going strong for seven years now and for that, I'm thankful. This is actually the first winter where we won’t be hanging out with each other in seven years (fuck you, covid), but I’m glad they are all healthy and staying safe.
I tweeted about feeling guilty not focusing solely on my PhD and doing other activities that fill my heart with joy, curiosity, and to be honest - add some color to my life. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my PhD program (some parts), but most times I feel fatigued, jaded, and grossed out. Maybe I am a terrible researcher and no one wants to collaborate with me and that’s okay. Maybe I won’t be a tenured tracked professor at some R1 school and that’s okay. Maybe I will only publish only two papers within the 5-6 years in my program and that’s okay (but a bitch is in Vogue Italia, NYLON, and Man Repeller - harder to publish!!). Maybe I won’t even get a job as a researcher and that’s okay. Nothing is forever and to be honest, I feel less pressure now having this mindset. I tell my eager students who are about to graduate that everything is going to be okay because I was once them.
If you know me personally, I can be pretty reckless and loud-mouthed. If people didn’t piss me the fuck off early in my life, I wouldn’t be this way. I wish I didn’t have to enter a classroom where my peers or professors thought I was an international student based on the spelling of my name. I was so tempted to change my name to Hanna(h) when I got my citizenship, but I wanted to make all of your lives a little bit more difficult so I didn’t. That is a decision that I made. Maybe I won’t get a job because a recruiter didn’t want to sponsor me, but that’s okay because I don’t want to deal with another recruiter asking me multiple times if I’m a citizen (been there, done that).
What I’m trying to say is, it’s okay. I wish I didn’t feel stressed, angry, or upset constantly the first 1.5 years of my PhD program. Moving back to New York City has done wonders for my mental health. I’m wearing colors, enjoying laughs (safely), and getting my work done. I’m tearing up as I write this because I’m listening to Just Like You by Emotional Oranges, LMAOOO. I cry to the stupidest songs.
I’m sick of writing paragraphs, so I’m gonna do bullet points now:
Apparently, there are Bad Bunny haters out in the world? Fuck you.
My hair colorist (Asian-American man) was telling me how he’s been getting hit on more ever since BTS blew up. He told me that he’s thankful for them. I wish Asian men weren’t seen as quiet, shy, unmasculine in the western world.
I get the appeal of a charcuterie board now. Thanks Tik Tok.
Why are we still talking about Shawn Mendes?
Ate an absolutely delicious arugula salad this weekend. Recreating it for my lunches for this week.
Rina Sawayma got fucking ROBBED from the Grammys. Ya’ll sicken the shit out of me @grammys.
Shrugging this post off
As Alexander Chee said, “I still fear those things, and I’m still here”.
I’m still here (and grateful).