another year around the sun
I’m going to post this without proofreading it, so please excuse the typos.
I’m writing this post exactly a month after my birthday. I needed some time to think about what it means to add another digit to my age. Twenty-six is still young and I still feel very youthful. I’ve looked back at the photos from the past year. There were very difficult moments, but also very exciting ones.
A year ago, on my birthday, I was home with my parents. They made me seaweed soup, which is a tradition for most Korean families. It’s also when my parents feel guilty and apologize for missing so many events or activities in my life. Apologies such as never being able to take me on vacation, missing my high school graduation because of work, and everything in between. I asked them to not think about it that way anymore and be thankful that I am their daughter. By the way, it was my birthday!
I spent my twenty-sixth birthday cooking dinner that took about 8 hours to whip up. I was so tired and exhausted after. I wasn’t even thinking about myself for my birthday and enjoying it. If you read this, please never tell me to “chill”, because I am a “no chill” person at its core. Relaxation for me is spending time with people I love, making sure they are doing well, and smoking a cigarette (lol). Next year, I will not be cooking. I will be going on a very long walk and making myself seaweed soup. I better learn my umma’s recipe when I’m home.
This past month I was thinking about how I’m in academia, tech, and fashion. The most toxic work environments ever known to mankind. Okay, maybe finance and law are similar, but I’m in THREE industries! Give me a break. I’m not the “best” in any of them and that irritates me, but that's why I want to keep on pursuing them. When will I ever be satisfied? Will I ever be content? That’s why I have a big head, too much shit churning inside this big ole brain I didn’t ask for.
I went to a cafe last weekend that was Moby-Dick and Herman Melville themed. I’m so grateful for Jamie Jones my freshmen year for that class. I fucking love that book and fell deeply in love with it. Maybe it’s because I can relate to Ahab in terms of chasing something, but never being able to get what I’m chasing after. Maybe Ishmael, who was trying to find a purpose in life and sailed across the ocean to find it. I don’t like the Shakespearean writing style and metrical patterns, but Melville be playing me. I have about four copies of that book at home. My girlfriends gifted me a beautiful picture book of Moby-Dick and it’s been a prize possession of mine. What I’m trying to say is, I need to re-read it.
This sun cycle, I have a few goals in mind and here they are.
Achieve PhD candidacy. Figure out what I’m passionate about. I like too many shit, so I got to learn to stick with one.
Start a fashion brand. Classy hoe is the vibe.
Stop worrying about everything. Period.
Be kind to my body and myself. I’ve lost 3 pants sizes since last year. This is nothing to be celebrated about, but it makes me realize how our body changes constantly.
Learn to “chill”.
Not question the love that I feel and receive.
I wrote this in 15 minutes. My head was about to explode if I didn’t write this down. Maybe I should start journaling. If you read this, keep me accountable.
Love,
Han Na Shin
10:25PM
May 21, 2021